Break It Down, Butch.

March 26, 2011

[59] Transdude.

Filed under: Uncategorized — DK @ 13:16
Tags: , , , ,

I started this blog with the intention of using it to keep an account of my evolving gender-journey, so I could look back later and remember all the funny/cool/weird moments that usually fall by the memory-wayside. (And also because all the cool kids were doing it and I wanted to play, too.) But it turns out that I’m really bad about writing what I’m struggling with, because I don’t like to throw it out there half-formed and conclusionless. I want a concrete result before I let it go dancing in front of an audience.

Control freak much?

But radio silence is boring for you and bad for me, because evolution can’t happen in a box. And going round and round with the same ideas in my head is just going to tip me off a ledge.

So here’s the skinny: I don’t identify as female anymore. And to be honest, I haven’t in a while. I just haven’t had the backbone to admit it to myself. Even going back through this journal was a revelation — sure, there’s a whole lot of butch musings, but the really joyful moments were realizing I could use whatever pronouns I wanted, that embracing masculinity was A-okay and sexy to boot, that it wasn’t the rebellion of mixing male-mannerisms and female-body and making something new that I wanted, it was just being male.

Which, yeah, I know, is mono-gendered and buying into the binary (and the patriarchy) and probably unenlightened, but fuck it. I’m tired of binding myself breathless and living in an awkward half-space. I want the chest-surgery, and maybe the hormones, and the ‘sir’ that people give me to feel like it’s right, not like something I’ve managed to steal. I want to explore the idea of being a transman. I want to be a brother and a son, not a daughter and a sister. (Though that’s sure going to freak out the family.)

I want to keep writing, too, whether in this blog — which could probably use a rename, now — or a new one for the fresh start. And I want to keep all you fabulous folk around, but I’ll get it if some of you feel the need to jump ship. (Except, no, that’s a lie. I WILL BITCH YOU OUT LIKE HELL, ACTUALLY. And I will feel good doing it. How’s that for a healthy ego?*)

So here’s me, coming out.

Again.

Anyone feel like throwing a party?

*On the re-read, that’s a heck of a lot more asshole-ish than it originally sounded. Who knew an ego could get you in trouble? /wry

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6 Comments »

  1. I think this post was incredibly brave and honest, and I hope this doesn’t sound too awkward, but I’d really like to extend my congratulations on, as you put it, admitting to yourself that you don’t identify as female. I’ve been realizing that I don’t identify as female, and it hasn’t been an easy realization to make.

    Also, I absolutely do not believe that identifying as male is buying into the binary (unless you believe that there is only male and female and that there are no other no options — not just for you personally, but for anyone) or the patriarchy (unless you believe that being male makes you better than females — not just in the sense that being/identifying as male is better, and a more comfortable fit, for you, but in the sense that men/males are simply better than women/females).

    And it’s not unenlightened — it’s what’s right for you. I might call you unenlightened if you were saying that masculinity can only be tied to being male, or something like that, but you clearly aren’t saying that.

    I’m not saying this in attempts to dismiss how you’re feeling, and if it comes off as an attack, I’m really, truly sorry. I just wanted to say that how you identify isn’t wrong — it isn’t giving in to the patriarchy or buying into the binary.

    I’ve never been, or identified as, butch — I’m not trying to say that I know exactly how you’re feeling, or that we’re the same. But I do identify as trans. And when I first came out as trans (back when people thought I was a gay cisgirl), I was emphatic that I didn’t want surgery or hormones and that I wasn’t a man — that it was more a matter of not being a woman or a man. Since then, all of that has changed, and I’ve had to work (and still am working) through a lot of issues about what that means.

    Anyway, I really just wanted to say congratulations and good luck. And I think you should use whatever blog/blog name you feel like using (i.e. I don’t think that Break It Down, Butch. is somehow an incorrect or improper name for your blog if you still feel like it’s right). Obviously, my opinion on all of this doesn’t really matter — I really hope I’m not sounding like I’m trying to give you permission or some such thing because that would be ridiculous — I just want to say that I support whatever’s right for you.

    Comment by Ryan — March 26, 2011 @ 18:38 | Reply

    • Hey, Ryan.

      Thanks so much for your thoughts, man. And if you caught my most recent post, you’ll know you’re not the only one that tripped over my wording in this one. It was kind of scratch first attempt, but I really appreciate your support and your kind words, and I want to repeat them right back to you. This whole business is scary-as-hell, and it’s great to find other people in this internet circle dealing with the same thing.

      Likewise, don’t sell yourself short. Your opinion’s worth a whole lot. 😀

      Comment by DK — March 26, 2011 @ 19:09 | Reply

  2. […] that started out on a […]

    Pingback by [60] With a little more thought. « Break It Down, Butch. — March 26, 2011 @ 19:00 | Reply

  3. I’ll save commentary on the contents for the follow on post I see above, but re the name: seeing as “Butch” is a pretty masculine name, I think you’d be totally fine leaving it unchanged.

    Comment by Nezu — March 26, 2011 @ 22:44 | Reply

  4. Sounds like your ship is close enough to the one I’m on.. no need for me to jump. I really like your line about stealing the Sir… for me, if it happens, it’s a happy accident… or maybe an ecstatic accident. Follow the path that will bring you to you. The right people will stay along on the journey with you. Definitely keep writing, let go of that control sometimes, let some of the not-so-finished bits come out occasionally.

    Comment by Kyle — March 27, 2011 @ 02:00 | Reply

  5. “I’m tired of binding myself breathless and living in an awkward half-space.”

    Is this the reason, or is it because you’re a man? I don’t mean to be hostile, I’m just curious.

    Comment by tree — June 2, 2011 @ 04:57 | Reply


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