To paraphrase Ivan E. Coyote: You are never an ex-smoker, you are just a smoker who doesn’t.
I wish I could find the essay he wrote that in. But seriously, what is it with butches and smoking? A cigarette seems to be part of the dress code, alongside ass-kicker boots, button-down shirts, and hair just long enough to grab. For half the people I talk to, it’s a piece of the sex appeal. The gentleman-rogue who always has a heavy silver lighter sitting in one pocket, just waiting to spark up. Ready to light his lady’s Virginia Slim.
I had one advantage when I quit; my then-girlfriend was deathly allergic to the smoke. And you can best believe that became a motivating factor when she barely let me in the house after a few drags, forget kissing.
I should say: the last time I quit. It’s an ongoing process. An endless battle not to give in and die young of cancer, or heart disease, or getting hit by a bus on the trek to get that midnight pack. And sometimes it’s easy. I just have to think of all the money I’m saving, or the way things taste better, or the relief of not having clothes that stink. I like having white teeth.
But other days it’s harder. Like today.
And I’m not just saying that because I have the warm curl of two cigarettes sitting in my lungs, and a pack of eighteen still in my pocket. (See what I mean? Even when I write about smoking, it’s sexy. I should start talking about black-lung and mucous instead.) I’m a stress-smoker. A self-destructive smoker, occasionally, when things have gone to shit and I just don’t care about the health risks. I wind up relishing them, in the same way a fight feels good, and a drink takes the edge off, and punching a wall until your knuckles bleed resets something in your brain.
It’s stupid. And young. And nothing I welcome in other people. But god, sometimes it feels good.
But why is it butch? And why so many butches? Ivan E. Coyote is one, obviously. I’m pretty certain Bear S. Bergman is another. In most of the butch iconography–which granted, there isn’t much–you’re more than likely to see a lurking cancer-stick, a wreath of smoke. And don’t even get me started on the butch literature.
Is it the inherent old-world masculinity of it? The feel-good of having something to take the edge off that doesn’t require talking? Well, beyond “A pack of twenty, please”. Is it the image? Or is there just a higher correlation of socially damaged, growing-up kids in the queer community who’re more likely to fall into bad ways?
Or are we butch and transmasculine folks all just idiots who like to set ourselves a new challenge every week?
Hell, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s an equally common femme trait. Or a queer trait. Or just a generational thing. Maybe the next group of growing-up butches are more likely to chew alfalfa greens — though you’ll forgive me if I crack the hell up over that particular image.
Either way, if I can whine for a minute, all your butch fellas out there could make things a damn sight easier for me if you kept looking cool without the smoke rings. I’m just saying.
Break It Down, Butch. 
I think it’s a queer “trait”. A lesbian “trait”. If you’re all ready discriminated against for being gay, being a smoker is less of a big deal. Plus, the nicotine makes it a little easier to deal with disapproving family members, discriminatory laws and policies, and the occasional bout of unmitigated cruelty heaped on you by strangers. Add butch on top of that, and you’re practically marking yourself as a freak. We’re (probably) not going to have kids some day, so what does it matter if we smoke?
I’m one of the few queer folks (of any stripe) that I know who has never been an addicted smoker. That being said, there’s always a lighter (and it aint no neon Bic, either) resting alongside my Swiss Army knife.
Where I come from, it’s not even legal to smoke indoors anymore. No smoking in bars, clubs, cafes, anywhere. Not even bus stops. The new hookup spot is around the corner from wherever you’ve paid cover, under that cancerous blue haze. Small talk and a light.
Smoker’s cough ain’t sexy. Smelling forcefully stale ain’t hot. Yellow everything and leather lips just don’t do it for me. But, and I can’t help it, the visuals of smoking are hot. And I enjoy smoking for the activity in itself; but I smoke herbals, and only in the summer when it’s really worth while. It’s still shite for your lungs, but at least it’s not so hard on your brain or your wallet.
Comment by yondergen — February 3, 2010 @ 15:36 |
PS–Where’s No. 8?
Comment by yondergen — February 3, 2010 @ 15:41 |
NUMBER 8 WAS A LIE.
(Thanks for the heads up, it’s been edited.)
Comment by DK — February 10, 2010 @ 05:59 |
Mm, yes indeed.
Plus, the nicotine makes it a little easier to deal with disapproving family members, discriminatory laws and policies, and the occasional bout of unmitigated cruelty heaped on you by strangers. Add butch on top of that, and you’re practically marking yourself as a freak.
This is both true, and fills me with the strong, only slightly innapropriate urge to strut. A lot.
Where I come from, it’s not even legal to smoke indoors anymore. No smoking in bars, clubs, cafes, anywhere. Not even bus stops.
I’m gonna guess either Canada or the UK, but I could be wrong. I’m over in England right now and they have a very similar thing going on. Nowadays, smoking is practically an act of social rebellion. Or entirely stupid, depending who you ask. *laughs*
I’ve only tried herbals once, myself, but they lack that bone-melting nicotine kick that makes the whole thing any kind of worthwhile for me.
Comment by DK — February 10, 2010 @ 06:09 |
cali, and a bunch of other states, have instituted a no-smoking ban indoors, too. my grandparents were piiiiiissssssed. ;-D
j
Comment by JB — February 17, 2010 @ 00:51 |
You know, the more I look around, the more I’m not sure I agree with you. I don’t think it is a butch thing.
It’s a sex thing, certainly. Mouth and phallic and drawing attention to lips and tongue — oh, yeah. It’s a call back to older times when Men were Butches and Women were Femmes. Black and white movies and glamorous stars — all of whom smoked. Fantastic heroes who always had a lighter at the ready for the femme fatale (whether or not she was gay). It’s a rebel thing, and you have to have a heavy dose of rebel, I imagine, to loudly flout gender norms. But it’s not as common as it first seemed, to me.
This is, of course, because I’m actively looking for the butches who DON’T smoke. But anymore, it’s not the first thing I check in a personal ad; it’s the last, and I’m surprised if the person is listed as a smoker.
I think, like minorities who are loud, butches who smoke are vocal about the fact that they’re smoking. They describe it. They talk about it. They take pictures of it. The flip side is that the people who aren’t smoking don’t care enough to talk about it. It would be like me talking about not eating pecans. I don’t like pecans. I don’t eat them. I’m not going to start a no-pecans group, or talk about how sexy is it when people don’t eat pecans, or do anything of the like. I don’t care enough to do any of those things. On the other hand, people who do like pecans will probably talk about how pecans are THEIR FAVORITE FOOD — like I do with coffee. (Mmmm. Coffee.)
Add to that the fact that anyone who does/did smoke is hyper aware of smoking, and you probably notice it more than I do. (So, I could be wrong. It could be all over. *grins*) You notice EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS, whereas for me, it’s under my radar. Or maybe I’m wrong, and Yondergen knows the way to meet butches. 😉
I have to say though, people who never smoked? Yeah, that’s great. People who smoked (or drank, or did drugs, or fucked up their life…) and quit? THAT’S HOT. Talk about maturity, self-control, and willpower. The ability to overcome not only cravings but biological addiction? Oh yeah. There’s a reason Robert Downy Jr is so damned attractive. Other than the face, I mean. 😉
…That’s probably a bad thing. I ought to sexualize the people who never put their health at risk in the first place. And yet… I’m not. 😉
J
Comment by JB — February 3, 2010 @ 20:36 |
You know what would be really good? Pecan pie and coffee.
There’s also something in me that responds to the ones who’ve tried and don’t anymore, but for a different reason. It shows they were curious enough about the world to try those things, rebellious enough to say “screw you, world, I’ll try what I want”, and self-aware enough to realize what they liked, what they didn’t like, what worked for them and what didn’t, and make a decision about what to do with their bodies.
Comment by Nezuko — February 4, 2010 @ 01:59 |
…you are a sick, sick woman. Pecan pie and coffee. YECH. 😉
*nods* Yeah, that too! Also, a heavy dose of jealousy. There’s lots of things I haven’t tried, with my smoke and drug allergies, so I can live vicariously through the people who have. ;-D
J
Comment by JB — February 5, 2010 @ 01:41 |
You know, the more I look around, the more I’m not sure I agree with you.
I love whenever your responses begin with something like this, they’re always entirely educating. *grins*
It’s a rebel thing, and you have to have a heavy dose of rebel, I imagine, to loudly flout gender norms. — I highly suspect you are not wrong. I’m noticing it more lately, but I also hit a similar ‘SCREW Y’ALL’ thing when I hit too much stress in too little time, which has been lately.
I think, like minorities who are loud, butches who smoke are vocal about the fact that they’re smoking. They describe it. They talk about it. They take pictures of it. The flip side is that the people who aren’t smoking don’t care enough to talk about it. It would be like me talking about not eating pecans. I don’t like pecans. I don’t eat them. I’m not going to start a no-pecans group, or talk about how sexy is it when people don’t eat pecans, or do anything of the like. I don’t care enough to do any of those things.
*cracks UP* This makes entirely too much sense, and blows my whole theory out of the water. Ah well. I can still be comforted that smoking has a solid place in the stereotype. Or at least one of the stereotypes. Also, pecan non-lovers is an excellent metaphor.
Add to that the fact that anyone who does/did smoke is hyper aware of smoking, and you probably notice it more than I do.
Also true. I notice this every time I pick the habit back up, or I’m trying to quit: suddenly EVERYONE smokes.
I have to say though, people who never smoked? Yeah, that’s great. People who smoked (or drank, or did drugs, or fucked up their life…) and quit? THAT’S HOT. Talk about maturity, self-control, and willpower. The ability to overcome not only cravings but biological addiction? Oh yeah. There’s a reason Robert Downy Jr is so damned attractive. Other than the face, I mean. 😉
*laughs!* Oh sure, appeal to my willpower. Though I do entirely agree with you. Also about Robert Downy Jr. I highly suspect I would turn straight for that man. (Or is it turn faggot? There’s an interesting thought.)
Comment by DK — February 10, 2010 @ 06:16 |
I have a feeling Downy’d be down with a little butch lovin’.
Comment by yondergen — February 14, 2010 @ 21:51 |
you jounal totally didn’t tell me yo’ud responded! 😦 still typing with a gympy hand here, excuse grammar and typos. 😉
I love whenever your responses begin with something like this, they’re always entirely educating. *grins*
*dies you’re such a masochist. 😉
you know i’ll always take the sneaky way and appeal to your willpower. 😉 i’m also now wondering if it’s also a cultural thing; smoking indoors is banned in cali, so it could be i’m seeing fewer smokers because there are simply fewer smokers. something else to take into account.
RDJ – i think he’s like johnny depp. it doesn’t count as turning if you sleep with one of them. they just count as being so sexual, they trans the borders of sex and gender. ;-D
j
Comment by JB — February 17, 2010 @ 00:59 |
I’ve noticed it too, though like yondergen I’m more inclined to think it’s a queer thing rather than just a butch thing.
I’ve never been a real cigarette smoker, but I gave up my social cigarette smoking because my girlfriend hates it. I picked up a pipe instead, and it’s definitely become part of my gender presentation, especially because my masculinity is more professor than rebel.
Comment by Bond — February 3, 2010 @ 23:38 |
Queer thing makes sense — I went to an LGBT group-meet recently and everyone smoked.
I’ve heard that pipe smoking is apparently healthier than regular cigarettes, though I don’t know how much truth there is in that. Do you get the same nicotine rush out of it?
Comment by DK — February 10, 2010 @ 06:23 |
Not really. There’s an effect, but (at last for me) it’s a different thing — mre like abuzz than rush. Hard to explain the difference. I don’t know whether it’s healthier, but anecdotally pipe smoking seems to be less addictive/compulsive than cigarettes.
Comment by Bond — February 15, 2010 @ 04:49 |
I’m not a smoker, and I’ve never really been one. I was a social burner for a while, but it was mostly to try it and see what it was all about. I never really saw the draw to it (I hated the smell and taste), and I never felt a butch connection to it, either.
The one exception is that I will enjoy a nice cigar from time to time, but I haven’t felt a butch connection to that either since half the time, the women who join me at the cigar bar are femme.
Comment by G — February 10, 2010 @ 05:29 |
‘Social burner’ is a great expression, I’ll have to remember that. Also, welcome!
I’m curious, now, about what you do feel a butch connection to — but that’s probably a post all by itself. Several posts, maybe.
I’ve only ever tried a cigar once, at a friend’s birthday back when it was still legal to smoke in pubs over here. Honestly, it didn’t really grab me. But it’s an entirely different smoking technique, and I kept accidentally drawing the smoke back too far and half-choking myself, so that likely didn’t help. I might have to try it again and see how it takes now.
Comment by DK — February 10, 2010 @ 06:20 |
I’m glad you wrote about this because it has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I started smoking two years ago and have been an on and off smoker since. I really hate the habbit, I’m a pretty active person and having thrashed lungs is pretty crappy but it is near impossible to quit, especially if I’m in a lull and not moving as much. My community of mostly queer folks who all smoke. We say “do you want to go smoke?” when we really mean, I would like to step outside and talk and enjoy your company:). It’s a huge part of our way of socializing. For myself I smoke as a total coping mechanism. At the moment I am in school out of state and away from the comfort of friends and confidants. I’m one of the only butch/transmasculine people at my school and it is rough sometimes not having mirrors and people who “get it.” So I smoke, i usually do it when i feel the need for solice. It’s a pretty lazy move. I smoke here more than i do at home, when around my community of mostly queer smokers, which is kind of interesting. I think it works this way because it reminds me of my masculinity, in a way, it’s a shield. I use this shield, if you will, to step away from a lot of the craziness that goes down when you are a queer, non-“white” person in a predominantly heterosexual, “white” environment. In this way smoking is integrally tied to my feeling of queerness and my feeling of closeness to an identity. This internal process is quiet, and I generally don’t make the mental/emotional jump to smoking= validation, but it kinda does.
I’m glad this conversation is happening.
F.A.
Comment by Freyr — February 27, 2010 @ 19:37 |
Hey, welcome! (And sorry it took me so long to reply; your comment got lost in my inbox)
I’m one of the only butch/transmasculine people at my school and it is rough sometimes not having mirrors and people who “get it.” So I smoke, i usually do it when i feel the need for solice. It’s a pretty lazy move. I smoke here more than i do at home, when around my community of mostly queer smokers, which is kind of interesting. I think it works this way because it reminds me of my masculinity, in a way, it’s a shield. I use this shield, if you will, to step away from a lot of the craziness that goes down when you are a queer, non-”white” person in a predominantly heterosexual, “white” environment. In this way smoking is integrally tied to my feeling of queerness and my feeling of closeness to an identity. This internal process is quiet, and I generally don’t make the mental/emotional jump to smoking= validation, but it kinda does.
Oof, I hear where you’re coming from. Well, everything except the non-white, because I’m about as fish-belly bleached as they come, but everything else strikes a serious chord. Thanks for commenting and sharing your story; I hope you stick around and keep talking to me.
Comment by DK — March 16, 2010 @ 17:08 |
I haven’t smoked in almost six months– the longest break i have ever gone. I smoked for 17 years. The money I used to spend on smokes I now spend on other things– dates, clothes, updating my technology. I feel amazing and wonderful. I can breathe better, I can smell and taste everything better, and more ladies are interested because I don’t reek or taste bad. Quitting was the best thing I ever did for myself. I still take smoke breaks– I tend to need the break from work, socializing, whatever.
Comment by bee listy — March 2, 2010 @ 14:54 |
Congrats! I’m on about the one month mark, now, ignoring a slip up at work the other day.
The money I used to spend on smokes I now spend on other things– dates, clothes, updating my technology. I feel amazing and wonderful. I can breathe better, I can smell and taste everything better, and more ladies are interested because I don’t reek or taste bad. Quitting was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Great reminders! Thanks for sharing. I’ll have to keep all of these in mind the next time I’m tempted.
Comment by DK — March 16, 2010 @ 17:10 |